Let me find me first, before I find you

It is said that after the kids start growing up, the parents often find each other once again, as individuals, as a couple, as lovers. I can’t wait to find us as we have been lost in parenthood for so long, but I must find myself from the trenches of motherhood first.

I want to start recognizing the person I see in the mirror, not just a hazy image of someone that looked like me. Who am I kidding? This is not who I looked like. My clothes were better co-ordinated and were definitely much cleaner. There was never any flour from the cookies I baked yesterday, nor were they tiny handprints full of mashed potatoes stuck onto my shorts. There was never the same pair of pyjamas, I wore from last week, and they were certainly more vibrant than just a blue or black.

I want to start recognizing the voice I had. The voice with which I shared my opinions on subjects other than toys or nappy brands, on politics rather than kids’ quarrels, or sports rather than swimming classes. The voice I used to chat with friends on topics other than drop-offs or pick-ups, on make-up tips rather than healthy lunch box recipes. The voice I had inside my head that spoke about goals and targets, rather than the next creative activity to keep the kids entertained.

I want to find the smile that was on my face, when I found a new novel to read, the satisfaction I got from finishing the book in one night straight, rather than the happiness I get from being able to sleep a couple of hours straight. The smile I had when you looked at me, and not only when the kids hugged me, or showed off their proud piece of art.

I want to find the peace I got from just being by myself, and not the anxiety I have from being away from the kids. The silence I could enjoy, even in a crowded departmental store as I strolled through the aisles, without missing the chaos back at home.

I want to find my body. A body that belonged to me alone. A body I took care of in so many different ways, by cleaning my hair regularly and even polishing my nails, without having to do so with twenty other nails waiting for me to do the same and more. A stomach that I chose what to put in, rather than gulping down the leftovers from last night’s dinner. A body which got the rest it well deserved.

I want to find all aspects of myself and I believe I am ready to do so. I can never be who I used to be wholly, as my heart now lies outside my body with two other human beings constantly on my mind. But I am looking forward to finding semblance to the girl I once was, so I can find my soulmate in you all over again.

This post was originally published on Her View From Home

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